Thursday, August 02, 2007

Belgad's new rules

This is Belgad Thunderclan, also known as Belgad the Liar to some of you fine people. I spent the day hanging out with Ty today, and he has asked me to comment. Instead of simply commenting, I have decided to propose several ordinances at the next meeting of the city council. Here they be:

1.) Explosives must be installed beneath the driver's seats of all vehicles. Any time a turn is made without use of the signal, the explosives ... explode!
2.) All stores, especially Wal-Marts, that have aisles too narrow for two individuals to walk down side by side, must be demolished immediately. And they will no longer, EVER, be allowed to build a new store. Anywhere in the city.
3.) Any groups of individuals who decide to block store aisles by chit-chatting with friends or family, on person or over a cell phone, are to be declared wanton criminals of the worst degree. All of their belongings shall be confiscated. Their family and friends shall be hung until dead. They themselves shall be drawn and quartered, after a few days of torture by pliers and blowtorch.
4.) Idiots who keep you waiting in line at stores while they fumble with their checkbook or yack with their friends or have to go on a trip to the moon to find their friggin' credit cards, shall be flayed alive with a leather whip wrapped in barbed wire. Then their children, favorite pet, favorite friend, whomever, shall be boiled in oil ... just because they're stupid enough to have stupid friends.
5.) People who keep you waiting in line while they are buying lottery tickets will be sent to a special kind of hell where they shall be disembowled and beheaded every day ... forever. With their family and friends ... again, just because if you're stupid enough to have such a stupid friend ... well, you know the rest.
6.) Newspaper editors who can't make up their minds story placement, and keep you making over your pages again and again and again and again ... shall be shot dead. No, we won't spend the time torturing them first. We won't give them the satisfaction.
7.) Newspaper reporters who give you a length on their stories must keep to such a length. Or we will burn down their house. While their family is still inside.
8.) Newspaper reporters must meet their deadlines. If they do not, see number 3 above.
9.) The Coke machine in my newspaper's prepress department will start accepting nickels. It has 24 hours. If, by then, it still does not accept nickels ... we will start drinking more Pepsi products. Or Ale 8 One.
10.) Anyone, and I mean anyone, who goes "Rah! Rah!" for the war in Iraq, will be immediately shipped to Iraq. Forever. The same goes for anyone who gives a cheerful smile whenever President Sidious ... er, I mean Bush ... appears on television. If they give a disdainful smile, we will instead allow them to go to Amsterdam. Or Vegas. Forever.

More possibly in the future ...


cyn said...

belgad has pms! ;*)

haha! great points and great vents!

Howard von Darkmoor said...

somebody had a bad day. I think somebody needs a time out.

Ty said...

11.) For people who tell me I need to take a "time out" ...

"Chinese have a lot of hells."
-- Eddie from Big Trouble in Little China

Just kidding.

cyn said...

that quote is a book in itself. =p

go stand in the corner, the lot of you!!!!